Trials and Errors

My daughter just stood in my face and said, "Well, you know about displacement."



This whole conversation has been about her behavior over the past 2.5 years. It's been horrible; mood swings, temper tantrums, screaming at her brother, nasty attitude, disrespectful, talking out of the side of her mouth like she wants me to smack her face off.

We've done therapy both secular and Christian and it all boils down to this:

Her father.

She attempted suicide on Father's Day last year, but that was only a part of the rising action it seems because her behavior seems to be the same and the subsequent therapy's effects have not been long lasting.

Well, what about her father you ask?

Just about everything; he's an ex-con who was extremely well off due to his illegal activities, who now works in the food industry making pennies. His self-esteem is in the toilet because his money isn't where it was and he doesn't actually know how to be a father because he never had one. In a nutshell, he's lost and he isn't he best role model for her, which is obvious to her at this juncture.

Wait! What? Why did I, in all of my fabulousness, choose someone like that? Well, I was broken at one time in my life and he was what I thought was a friend; in actuality he wanted me to be a trophy girlfriend and when I began to step out of that role and find my voice, things got real dicey between us. He attempted to kill me and we broke up.

The end....

For us.

But for his daughter who he begged me to have, because believe it or not - I am pro-choice and having her was not my first one, it's just beginning. I think the reality of who he is and what he isn't, has finally came to roost in her mind and it's driving her crazy to have to really think about him as he is and accept him.

Side note: Last night she told me she thought I was Aaliyah and he was Biggie Smalls when she was little...smh (shelteredchildren.com)

Back to the matter at hand: I want her to be able to reconcile their relationship without displacing her anger at him on me and her brother.

Funny thing is, my daughter already knows that's what she's doing hence the statement that started this post.

Now, I just pray that she will be able to not only know it, but control herself enough to stop...

I love my children...

My Little Gods

As I sit down to my laptop after reading this wonderful blog entry about kids and them being God's little messengers of...

- Mommy, Can I have my lollipop now??
- After nap time Joseph.
- But I am hungry Mommy...
- You are not and the lollipop will be there when you wake up....

All while I am trying to make this post and his sister is trying to put him down for nap AFTER LUNCH!! (He is not hungry! - LOL)

As a poet, writer and teacher, the interruptions are endless and the children seem to concoct - -- ARGGHHH why did you just do that!!
-- Mom he just hit me with his head!! I cannot deal with him ANYMORE!! - ways to interact at what seems to be the most inopportune time.

But I see now, God's will is always in play and even when our will or our ego or to do list seems to be more pressing, our little Gods are here to remind us - they are not.

It seems in a world where everything is made available instantaneously via web, cells, and television, we have become increasingly self centered and I must admit although my to do list is expansive, my job as a parent is at the top of the pile.

Now to only get the time to fit it all in!!

Ain't Nobody's Business if You Do (Or Don't)

Have another child or not??? I don't know about any other mothers out there but I think this woman below has a lot of issues. Either have one or not already! I think low self esteem is the issue here which is why some people are pushed to perfectionism fear of inadequacy...

Check out what she has to say and the comment from another mom that WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE with - a lot of wit in her response too..

Date:Thu. Mar. 20, 2008
My son is at the age where people are asking me (and sometimes him!) if Im thinking to have another. Quite frankly I have pretty rigid views of parenting (all informed by an overly academic approach to the subject) and because of these views I just cant 'wing it' and have a second. I work full time on non parenting issues (I specify this because quite frankly all moms work full time...just some of us have to squeeze a paying job into that one) and my husbands job doesnt pay enough for me to give up my job. So, this would mean daycare at 6 weeks or 3 months which is entirely unacceptable for me since Im a firm believer in attachment parenting. Aside from this issue lies an even deeper issue: fear of failure. I am such an overly obsessive parent that Im afraid if I have two I would never be able to meet their needs and would hence fail. Any advice from other perfectionists (or the more relaxed) would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

A little about me:

an older mom with lots of child experience but only one son who is three


Date:Fri. Mar. 21, 2008
First of all, if you only want to have one child, then that's just fine. Being an only child has its advantages. Just because someone asks you, "So, when are you going to have another?" doesn't mean that 1) you have to have another or 2) that you owe them a detailed explanation about why you may or may not want another one. Just smile vaguely and say, "Oh, when my partner and I decide what is best for our family." End of discussion.

About fear of failure: Just having only one is no guarantee of success or failure either! You can in no way predict the future and see how your little one may turn out despite (or in spite of) all your efforts. Not that I in any way want to encourage you to have another child if you really don't want one, but sometimes the best cure for an obsessive parent is to have a second child. You are forced to let go of all those silly notions of being the perfect mother. A relaxed mommy is a better mommy. And really, you need to tamp down your ego - you aren't a perfect mother now. No one is. We all do well in some areas and not in others. Such is human nature. Rigidity, obsessiveness, and blind adherence to parenting skills learned through books isn't exactly the recipe for being the perfect mother anyhow. On top of that, being an obsessive parent will drive your kid crazy eventually.

I can't figure out if your problem is an enormous ego or low self-esteem. Either way, take comfort in the fact that about a bazillion women before you have had more than one child and managed to turn out very fine human beings. Again, I don't recommend having a second if you really don't think you'd enjoy it, but having a sibling also has huge advantages for the existing kid. Just a tip -- it isn't always a good thing for a child to be doted on, given undivided attention, or obsessed over. Learning to share (attention, toys, chores, etc.) is a good thing.

Every mommy with only one child has thoughts along the lines of, "How on earth will I manage a second one when the first one takes up all my time?" But it really isn't that hard and will be enriching to everyone involved. If you want a second one, you will find your way.