Bitter

I was bitter.

Didn't even know it until my son asked for his daddy and I said "You don't have one."

Simple and plain. My daughter was talking to her sometimes okay halfway on time father and my son, who at 2 is very astute, said "I wanna talk to Daddy, Mommy." To which I replied "You don't have one - you have a God Daddy." Was I wrong? DEAD ASS wrong actually, but did I feel that - YES.

He has seen his father twice since he was three months old, and he has bought him pampers once. To me, that means he doesn't exist.

But he does, and no sooner had I said that he called. From jail no less. To profess his undying love for me and wishes to do things different in the 09! LOL God is a real comedian.

Baaaack to the bitterness.

I cried like a baby after all of this, because I felt the heartbreak all over again - Had to let that go, remember the healing, call my girlfriend, get my mind wrapped around that forgiveness and love real tight, then go get me a Soy Chai Latte!

Then today in church (chuch- lol), my Bishop hit me square between the eyes with the sermon about being a victim. I must admit, I was convicted. I do my best with keeping my joy but I must admit the situation with his father is a sore spot and the Enemy knew. I have had my share of problems over the past 8 months or so but it has been increasing steadily to this fevered pitch of crap that has kept me on my knees to keep me sane and functional. No complaints, God Is Good - ALL the time. And know I have the victory but in matters of my heart, I am sometimes confused with no model or standard to follow...

Anywho...

I know now that I have to forgive this dude, for real, in order to get past being hurt and give someone else a genuine chance of loving me the way I deserve. I need to stop being so cautious and afraid of being hurt but keep my common sense in play... Walking that thin line is going to be hard but I already claim the victory!